


Oh, How Softly We'll Tread

by rafaelbaseball



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: 19x05, Angst, Episode Tag, Established Relationship, Introspection, M/M, Mentions of past abuse, Mentions of past break-up, deleted scene tag, light fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-30
Updated: 2017-10-30
Packaged: 2019-01-26 15:58:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,751
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12560976
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rafaelbaseball/pseuds/rafaelbaseball
Summary: A couple nights ago, he’d dreamed it was Rafael’s hand that’d slipped out of his. It was Rafael who’d fallen several stories to his death. It was Rafael’s head that’d cracked against the pavement. Amanda had been featured before that, so had Liv and Fin and even Bella. Tonight, he fears he’ll be digging up their graves when he closes his eyes.





	Oh, How Softly We'll Tread

**Author's Note:**

> Cross-posted from [Tumblr](http://rawresparza.tumblr.com/post/166940480096/19x05-episodedeleted-scene-tag). My little way of taking creative liberties for the greater good that is Barisi.

When he unlocks the door, it’s dark in the living room but there’s a dim light flooding into the hallway through the crack of their bedroom door. Rafael doesn’t call out for him, even when he’s locking up, and Sonny isn’t sure whether that’s a good or bad thing.  
  
As it turns out, it’s neither. When he steps into their room, the first thing he sees is Rafael, his head lilting against his shoulder with his mouth just slightly agape, glasses dropping down his nose, and a book sprawled face down against his chest.   
  
The sight of him makes it easier for Sonny to breathe.   
  
He does his best to be quiet about undressing, not bothering to hang up his suit because he just doesn’t have the energy tonight.   
  
It keeps happening, he thinks, glancing over every so often at Rafael’s prone form. He keeps losing people. It keeps happening, and Sonny can’t help but watch Rafael from the doorway of the bathroom while he’s brushing his teeth.   
  
Just to make sure Rafael doesn’t disappear. Just to make sure he doesn’t lose this man again.  
  
Sonny feels a flash of guilt when Rafael stirs at a kiss pressed against his temple, but it quickly fades when Rafael blearily blinks wide, green eyes at him and offers a sleepy smile.   
  
“Hey.”  
  
With a soft chuckle, Sonny plucks the glasses from Rafael’s face and reaches to set them down on the nightstand. “Hey. Sorry I woke you.”  
  
“No,” Rafael protests. He sets his book beside his glasses then shifts to lie on his side so he can look back at Sonny, one hand propping up his head and the other resting on Sonny’s thigh. “No, I’m glad you did.”  
  
They gaze at each other in comfortable silence for a few moments until Sonny feels something in his chest seize again.  
  
It keeps happening. He keeps losing people.   
  
“You’ve been avoiding me.”  
  
Sonny blinks. That’s not what he’d expected to hear; at least, it’s not what he’d expected to hear in such a gentle, cautious tone. They come home to each other every night, even on the days they face off with tension that can’t possibly go unnoticed by their colleagues, but Sonny knows he’d crossed a couple lines with this case. This time, it’s on him. He wouldn’t blame Rafael for being upset. Sonny can’t lose him again.   
  
“No, I haven’t.” It’d been a weak lie to start with, and it sounds even weaker coming out of his mouth.   
  
“Okay.”  
  
“You’re angry at me.”  
  
“No, I’m not,” Rafael protests. It sounds just as weak.  
  
“Okay.”  
  
Rafael ducks his head, unsuccessfully hiding a smirk before unleashing a dramatic groan. “I’m a little angry at you.”  
  
“I know.”  
  
“And you’ve been avoiding me all day.”  
  
“I know.” Sonny plays with a loose thread on the duvet then meets Rafael’s eyes again. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.”  
  
A short  _humph_ sounds from deep within Rafael’s throat and he lifts his chin as if in defiance, as if he might reject the apology altogether, but his expression hasn’t changed. He’s still looking at Sonny with… god, what is it? Sonny can’t quite place it. Not pity, not sympathy.   
  
Then it clicks.   
  
 _Understanding_.   
  
“Cute that you stay friends with your exes. What’s her name again? Aerosol?”  
  
That earns Rafael dimples, hard as Sonny might try not to give them. “Aria. You know, if you met her, you’d probably like—“   
  
Well, actually. Sonny’s not even sure he likes her much himself right now, so he can’t really say what he’d been intending.   
  
“You’d call her by her real name, anyway.”  
  
“I’m suffocating just hearing it now. Did she slip barbiturates into your kale smoothie to get you to talk?”  
  
“Come on.”   
  
Rafael’s being petty. Both of them knowing it doesn’t stop him. “You know, you didn’t make any effort to stay friends with me when we ended things.”  
  
Even the mention of that brief time of volatility between them hurts, but Sonny pushes through it. “Yeah, well, you’re different.”  
  
“How?”  
  
“I was in love with you before we got together. I was in love with you when we broke up. I’m in love with you now. It never stopped. That’s how.”  
  
 _That’s how_. Being in the same room as Rafael had been damn near unbearable but also unavoidable, and Sonny hadn’t been able to share that with anyone because they’d kept their relationship to themselves. The one person he would’ve talked about Rafael and not  _the Counselor_  to was Rafael.   
  
The admission seems to stun Rafael into silence but he recovers quickly enough. “I’m sorry, so you’re saying you love me?”  
  
“Were you working on your stand-up routine while I was gone?”  
  
“You mean while you were avoiding me?”  
  
Sonny rolls his eyes then leans in to brush his lips against Rafael’s. The kiss lingers, passion ever present even if neither of them are planning to take it further. There’s never been anything but passion between them.   
  
“It’s been a rough week.”  
  
Rafael’s fingers come up to thread through Sonny’s hair, and he tilts his head to study Sonny’s face. “Are you okay?” This is the second time this week he’s had to ask someone he loves that question. It’s growing tiresome. “And don’t lie. You have a terrible poker face.”  
  
Sonny wrinkles his nose in mock offense. “I have a great poker face.”  
  
“Are you okay?” Rafael drawls each word out this time, tugging Sonny back toward himself when his boyfriend groans and tries to roll away.  
  
“Not really,” Sonny admits. “Between Aria and finding Emma Lawrence, the real Emma Lawrence… I don’t know, Raf. It’s like I can barely get rid of one weight before another one’s pulling me down.”  
  
A couple nights ago, he’d dreamed it was Rafael’s hand that’d slipped out of his. It was Rafael who’d fallen several stories to his death. It was Rafael’s head that’d  _cracked_  against the pavement. Amanda had been featured before that, so had Liv and Fin and even Bella. Tonight, he fears he’ll be digging up their graves when he closes his eyes.   
  
“You know I’m here to share the load. Don’t you?”  
  
Sonny smiles. Nods. He does, he knows, but Rafael’s hardly free of his own worries and demons. Still, they’re in this together through the good and the bad, that’s what they’d promised each other when they’d started this again. They’ve done it right this time.   
  
“Yeah, I do. I was just so sure we found her. I thought I did something good, but I screwed up.”  
  
“You jumped the gun a little,” Rafael agrees. There’s no malice behind his words. It’s just the truth. “But you weren’t the only one who thought that woman was Emma Lawrence. The pieces you had fit, you came to a conclusion. It’s not your fault they lied.”  
  
Sonny swallows down the lump forming in his throat and nearly crosses himself again at the thought of finding the real Emma’s body buried in a decade old grave out in the middle of nowhere. “God, can you imagine? Burying that secret, burying her. Ten years.” That’s ten years of passing seasons she’d never gotten to see. The air had been cold when they’d dug her up, her body would’ve been cold within those blankets. Sonny shivers. “He carried his little girl into the woods and put her in the ground, how could he live with that?”  
  
“He did what he thought was right for the rest of his family.”  
  
“Please don’t tell me you think what he did was okay.”  
  
“Of course not,” Rafael says, sighing. He sounds tired. Almost resigned. “You know me better than that. He rationalized. We all rationalize. Some people believe the ugliest things are best kept unsaid.” He pauses, gaze flickering between Sonny’s eyes and the ceiling until he decides he’s ready to continue. “My father put me in the ICU once.”  
  
Sonny doesn’t even bother trying to hide the way he physically recoils at hearing that. It’s the first time Rafael’s mentioned it, though not the first time they’ve talked about the abuse Rafael had suffered at the hands of his father. Sonny can already feel his stomach churning at the thought of Rafael beaten so badly he’d needed to be admitted to the hospital, and he doesn’t miss the way Rafael is watching him now. Trying to maintain a neutral expression, which Sonny knows he’s failing miserably at doing, he manages to practically whisper, “You never told me that before.”  
  
Rafael shrugs a shoulder. “You know I don’t like to talk about him.”  
  
“What happened?”  
  
“I kissed a boy.” Rafael smiles, but it’s weak. Sad. Bitter. “He found out. Gave me a concussion and a broken collarbone. Oh, and a broken wrist. My mother told the hospital and all her church friends I got into trouble on my way home from school. My  _abuela_  was the only one who didn’t believe her. My dad was careful about it every other time.”  
  
There’s a scar on Rafael’s bicep, a relic of an old cigarette burn, high enough that it’s easily covered even when wearing a short-sleeved tee. The first time he’d seen it, the last thing Sonny had expected was to hear Rafael’s father had been responsible for it being there. It just isn’t the way he’s been raised, his parents hadn’t been the type to raise a hand aside from a disciplinary spank here and there for the really naughty things, like when Sonny had pushed Bella for breaking his LEGO Millennium Falcon and she’d gotten a scrape on her knee.   
  
Hearing about what Rafael’s father had done to him always reminds Sonny that no matter how much he sees throughout the course of his career, there are some things he’ll simply never be able to understand.   
  
He hadn’t smothered Bella to death, though. He hadn’t put her in the ICU. Another wave of nausea passes through him. Sonny never  _wants_  to understand what could drive a person to do that to someone they’re supposed to love.   
  
Sonny runs the pad of his thumb over the scar now, through the fabric of Rafael’s faded cotton Harvard shirt. “Christ, Raf. I don’t know what to say.”  
  
“Listen, the reason I bring it up now is because it took me a long time to understand why my mother didn’t say anything. Why she kept living a lie, through all of it, why she stayed with him. I left her behind, Sonny, I went off to Harvard and left her with him and it wasn’t until he  _finally_ died that I got it. She was trying to preserve our family. She forgave that bastard for what he did because she kept hoping it would stop. She prayed for it, I know she did. So did I. Not everything we do is rooted in rationale. I’d take a bullet for you because I love you, too, but that doesn’t make it logical.”  
  
Sonny frowns, shaking his head. “Okay, first of all, you’re never allowed to take a bullet for me. That’s— No. I’d never let that happen.”  
  
“That’s really not the point.”  
  
“I know. I’m getting there. I see what you’re saying, I do. It’s just that I wanted so badly to have found this family their daughter, you know? I thought I was making these people’s lives better, and I should’ve seen the signs before it got too far but I wanted to believe we’d found Emma Lawrence so badly that I ignored that little voice in the back of my head that told me something was off from the start. You know what Mrs. Lawrence said when we first went to talk to them? She said she saw an angel when she looked at me. Then I ran my mouth off because I was so damn excited to think we might’ve solved that cold case and it ends up on the front page.”

“That’s not your fault, she shouldn’t have–”

“Raf, I ruined an entire family. Someone who was supposed to be my friend screwed me over. I carried a six-year-old’s body out of the woods.”

“Okay. Okay, I know. When you say it’s been a tough week, that’s the understatement of the year.” Rafael pushes himself up so he’s sitting with his back against the headboard, gathering Sonny in his arms until Sonny’s head is resting on his chest. He presses a kiss against Sonny’s hair, trailing his fingertips down the line of Sonny’s spine. “You didn’t ruin the Lawrences, Sonny. Britney Taylor did. Glenn Lawrence did. Bill Lawrence did. Not you.They were treading water for ten years, the truth was going to come out eventually.”  
  
“Yeah,” Sonny says softly. The tension in his shoulders starts to ease at Rafael’s touch, but the guilt lingers. It always does. “I left homicide because it was so damn hopeless. That’s what I took away from Mrs. Lawrence. Hope. How am I supposed to just brush that off?”  
  
“Nobody’s asking you to do that. Just remember that it wasn’t your fault.”

Sonny glances up at him, reaching out to trace the line of Rafael’s jaw. “I love you. I really do, so much.”

“Yeah, I love you, too.”

A beat passes before Sonny speaks again. “You don’t get to take a bullet for me.”

“Sonny— ”

“Your ma would kill me.”

Rafael snorts at that, bumping his head back against the board with a grin. “You’re damn right she would. Hell, she’d kill you  _now_.”

That’s a fair point. Sonny still remembers the first time Rafael had introduced him to Lucia Barba as a boyfriend. She’d looked him up and down, turned to Rafael and said, “ _Él se ve demasiado joven para ti_.”

Sonny had understood her perfectly well and thanked her for the compliment. Lucia hadn’t seemed remotely abashed, maybe just mildly impressed, though she certainly hadn’t admitted it.

“You know, I give good parent. Every mom has loved me except yours.”

“Oh, did Aspartame’s mom love you?”  
  
“Really, babe?  _Asparatame_?”

“She’s toxic, it fits.”

“She’s not  _toxic_ , she just… I don’t know. She said she had another source.” Sonny isn’t sure whether he believes that or not, but he’d like to think Aria has enough journalistic integrity to be honest about it. She’d been hurt when Sonny had broken things off, he knows that, but she’d never tried to use him for a headline during the course of their short-lived relationship. “Anyway, she tried calling me earlier. Left a message apologizing.”

“Why would she apologize if she had another source?” Rafael asks.

That’s another fair point that Sonny doesn’t want to examine any more than he already has.

“What does it matter now? It’s over and done with, it is what it is. Yeah, I’m pissed about it, but I can’t do anything about the article anymore. I trusted her, maybe she took advantage of it, maybe not. I was making mistakes all week, anyway, I can’t put all the blame on her for blowing it up.”

Rafael presses his lips into a thin line, his expression turning stern. “Stop that. I’m going to tell you what I told Liv because it applies here, too. You  _can_  trust your instincts, Sonny. Don’t let this make you second-guess yourself. Don’t let  _Aria_ make you second-guess yourself. I’ve had the wool pulled over my eyes before, you know I have. I’ve been used and lied to and stepped on, but we have the choice to let it define us or to learn from it. So choose to learn from it, okay? Because you’re an excellent detective. You’d make an excellent ADA, too, if you ever decided to really pursue that path.”

Something heavy settles in Sonny’s chest, a warmth that fills him and a fondness for the man beside him. He nuzzles his nose against Rafael’s neck, breathing in the scent of bath soap and freshly laundered clothes. It’s familiar, it’s comfortable, it’s everything he needs.

“Thank you,” he says. It doesn’t encompass anything close to what he wishes it would, but Sonny knows Rafael will understand. “For everything, for being here.”

They’re in this together, they’ve done it right this time. They’re lying in each other’s arms and after a week like this one, neither of them could ask for anything more. Rafael wriggles his way back onto his side, hooking one leg over Sonny’s and draping an arm over a hip. He nudges his nose against Sonny’s then pecks a kiss there and smiles.

“Always.”


End file.
